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Crossroads

April 14, 2010

There comes a time in a relationship when you are left standing at a crossroads.  You have several options, and if you’re smart, you’ll choose wisely what you want to do.   After all, we are talking about the rest of your life here.  All too often, children are involved, and they are so easily bruised and hurt by the choices their parents make.  The gods know, I’ve made my bad choices.

My crossroads has had me all fucked up for a while now.  I’ve discussed it with a couple people, who were very supportive and helpful.  I’m hoping that jumping out of the closet I’ve been hiding in for the last 2 months will help.

For well over a year now, Kris and I have been doing our best to get our Owner/property relationship off the ground.  About a month or so ago, I received my permanent collar.  Eternity Collars are not cheap people.   I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see it coming, but about 2 weeks after Kris put the damn thing on me he says: “I’m too busy living my vanilla life, to worry about all this shit you seem to think is so important.”

We happened to meet a younger couple, who is also interested in the lifestyle.  I am still holding on to the shred of hope that having real people around to talk about it with will help.  He promised me while he was on vacation next week, that we would talk about it, and get in some play time.  I almost wanted to tell him not to worry about it.  I’m left feeling as if I’m forcing him to do something that he doesn’t want to do, even if he says he does.  I’ve been thinking about whether the Owner/property aspect is something I can live without.  There was a time and place when I would not have hesitated to say that I can absolutely live without it.  Now?  I’m not so sure.

I’m very lucky to have found a man who loves my children more than life itself.  He raises them as if they were his own.  I’m tired of hurting my children with my stupid decisions.  I want them to have a great life, and Kris will move mountains to give them one.  My quality of life, right now, is better than it’s ever been.  I am in love with Kris, but now all I can see is incompatibility.  I’m not unhappy, but I’m not happy either.

I think I need help.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. April 14, 2010 8:36 am

    ~snuggles~

  2. April 14, 2010 9:05 am

    To be honest, if he doesn’t find an interest in it, I doubt he will develop one very quickly. If he does develop the interest, it’ll be slow and over some time.

    Have you two talked about you possibly finding a local BDSM club and possibly finding some play there? I know some married couples agree on an arrangement like that because one partner doesn’t enjoy kink.

    I do hope it gets better though. I know it can be hard to figure out, but I’m glad to hear that Kris is amazing with the kids. That’s normally where most husbands fail at.

    • April 14, 2010 9:31 am

      He won’t let me play with other people. He says it’s all inherently sexual, and that would be cheating. Besides that, there is no local community around here.

      He’s an amazing husband as well. My biggest fear is that he’s not being open and honest with me. He’s trying to force himself into a mold he doesn’t fit into, and that would kill our marriage and our O/p relationship in the long run.

  3. April 14, 2010 10:55 am

    “I’m left feeling as if I’m forcing him to do something that he doesn’t want to do, even if he says he does.” I feel that way, too, sometimes. For me it’s with bondage and impact play. I don’t know how to get my partner to want to do those things.

    I’m sorry you are struggling, and I appreciate you sharing parts of yourself with us. I hope you and Kris can talk about it sometime and be on the same page.

  4. April 14, 2010 12:55 pm

    That’s a rough one, especially because any sort of D/s / M/s / O/p relationship requires effort on both parts. And especially from the Dom/Master/Owner, because you can’t belong to/serve someone that isn’t actively owning or demanding things from you. Towards the end of my relationship with Sir P, we were very much in a similar boat, except it was me that was pulling away from the D/s dynamic, and him that was craving it.

    You have a great relationship, a loving husband, and a father to your kids. Which are all so, so important. BUT, if D/s is something that you NEED, eventually, a rift is going to form, and you’re going to get resentful. However, all relationships ebb and flow, and every D/s relationship I’ve ever been in has had times where we were much more formal and strict, and times when we weren’t. That could be all this is. Or it could be more than that.

    I’m glad you’re writing, because getting your feelings out is important. Follow your heart and take care of yourself, above all else. ❤

    • April 14, 2010 8:43 pm

      Britni, I really appreciate your response and thought you put into it. I believe Kris and I have a good solid foundation to start with, and you may very well be right about the ebb and flow of a dynamic.

      I’m really looking forward to his time off. It will give us the time we need to focus on us, however we decide to do that. A really good friend told me today that maybe the best service I can be to him right now, is to not push the dynamic, but show him I still want to belong to him. I know we will do our best to talk this through, and come to an agreement even if I have to make a few sacrifices for a while.

  5. April 14, 2010 8:04 pm

    I’m sorry to hear this. Because of my own situation, I want to tell you to make it work no matter what. I want to tell you that you’d be stupid to walk away from something you love because of something you aren’t sure if you need. I think at this point, some time and serious communication are a good idea

    • April 14, 2010 8:46 pm

      I know something like this must be difficult for you to read about. I’m still sending all my luck your way with your situation. Big kiss doll.

      I’m not really sure that I would really just walk away. I really do love him too much. I guess this is just my way of working through struggling that I may have to give up something dear to me, to make sure my marriage works. I suppose that’s a big part of marriage though, we all sacrifice something at one time or another to keep our love alive.

      • April 18, 2010 7:50 pm

        I think you will likely be able to get to a point where you can have -some- of it. Maybe not as much as you’d like.

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