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I Hurt Myself Today

December 26, 2009

Once every 2 or 3 years I climb into my bathtub, and cut the shit out of wrists.  Always the wrists.  Always the whole inside of my forearms.  This time there are about 5 or 6 cuts total, from the top of my wrist down to the bend of my elbow.  It’s always the same, and I am always sorry I did it.  The pain afterward is damn near unbearable for a week or two.  Some one has to bathe me, and someone has to help with the dishes, and bathing the children.   I never have an answer as to why I do it.  I am always drunk when it happens.  Usually wine is involved. There must be some deep rooted pain inside that I can’t get to.  I have never even come close to actually dying, and I don’t think that is the point.  There are always scars left, sometimes I just make the ones from before worse.  There are a lot scars on my arms, and only one on my leg.  The one on my leg was the first time I cut myself; I was about 16.  The wrist cutting started when I was about 18, and this is the 4th or 5th time I’ve done it.  My hope is that I just stop it, but my guess is that I won’t.  My thoughts are still muddled, so hopefully I can gain some insight and let you know.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. douginator permalink
    December 30, 2009 9:43 pm

    Yeah, WTF? would you want to do this for?

    Why?

    I know some other people who have done this too, but always the same answer something like what you have given.

  2. January 1, 2010 10:18 pm

    I have an idea for you. Start thinking about cutting in different terms. It seems like right now you consider it something that is just bound to happen every so often, and I don’t think that’s a good way of relating to it. Instead think of it as something you can prevent, that doesn’t have to happen. Because seriously, it doesn’t.

  3. January 3, 2010 4:31 pm

    I’m a cutter, however I do it for different reasons, as I believe all cutters do. I do it in my bathtub to and have a bazillion scars on my arms. I’ve gone years at a time without doing it, but it always seems to creep back on me and I’ve realized that I always do mine when I’m hurt really bad or I’ve hurt someone else really bad. It’s a release for me.

    I wish you luck in stopping, I do know many people that have.

    Kari

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