I Hurt Myself Today
Once every 2 or 3 years I climb into my bathtub, and cut the shit out of wrists. Always the wrists. Always the whole inside of my forearms. This time there are about 5 or 6 cuts total, from the top of my wrist down to the bend of my elbow. It’s always the same, and I am always sorry I did it. The pain afterward is damn near unbearable for a week or two. Some one has to bathe me, and someone has to help with the dishes, and bathing the children. I never have an answer as to why I do it. I am always drunk when it happens. Usually wine is involved. There must be some deep rooted pain inside that I can’t get to. I have never even come close to actually dying, and I don’t think that is the point. There are always scars left, sometimes I just make the ones from before worse. There are a lot scars on my arms, and only one on my leg. The one on my leg was the first time I cut myself; I was about 16. The wrist cutting started when I was about 18, and this is the 4th or 5th time I’ve done it. My hope is that I just stop it, but my guess is that I won’t. My thoughts are still muddled, so hopefully I can gain some insight and let you know.