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Like a Ton of Bricks

December 3, 2009

Dealing with death is always hard, but it’s especially hard when it’s slow.  I’ve recently found out that my Grandmother is dying; this isn’t surprising because she’s well into her 80’s.  What is surprising is how fast she’s losing her mind.  Alzheimer’s is a slow moving disease, but it will take your loved one from you before they actually die.  I’m scared to lose her.  She practically raised me from infancy.  You’ve all heard me bitch about my parents, and that’s because they only provided for me financially growing up; my grandparents were my emotional support.  Imagining life without them is impossible, but imagining that they may forget who I am is even worse.  I don’t want to think about it, but I have to, because somehow I have to explain it to my daughter, who is also very close to her.

My Granny is so wonderful!  She’s hilarious and says anything that comes to her mind.  She’s kind and beautiful, and strong.  She makes my days so much brighter, just knowing she’s there and she loves me no matter what.  Her’s is not a conditional love, it’s completely unconditional.  She sees the good in everything and everyone, unless you’re not Church of Christ; and then you’re going to hell, and she’ll let you know it too!  I am not religious now, but at one time I was a Baptist, and when I was baptized, she almost fainted about having to go into a Baptist church to see my baptism.

When my family turned their backs on me, because of my drug addiction, she stood up and told them there would be none of that as long as she was alive.  Families’ stick together and help each other.  She is the glue in our family.  Without her we’d all move on with our own lives with no care about the rest.  The world will be very bleak and miserable without her presence.  I am losing one of the greatest people I’ve ever met, and I’m scared to face life without her here.  She is my hero, and I love her dearly, and no matter how bad this gets before she dies I hope she always knows this somehow.  She will be leaving behind a great legacy, and I hope I do her proud, and always make sure her memory lives on in me.

I’m sorry to dump all this out here, but I had to get it out.  This is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced, and it hurts.

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