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Rayne Started It!~Wants and Communication

September 28, 2009

I may have actually started it, but Rayne’s post is what led to my thinking here.  Being able to communicate your wants to your Master is important, even if it is denied.  In both of our dynamics, we have given up everything to our Owners, and we are very proud of that.  Giving everything up includes your innermost thoughts and secrets, and that’s where things get tricky. Complete transparency is so much easier said than done, and I for one have spent most of my life teaching myself to hide my feelings from the world.  Obviously when I get upset or I have a particular want that I would like to convey to Master, I clam up and can’t do it.  I’ll open my mouth ten times to start, but never say anything at all.  Sometimes I just feel like what’s the point?  Do I really have to point every single little thing out, or ask for every little thing that crosses my mind?  Doesn’t he already have enough worries and anxieties without me adding more to his plate?

Even my thoughts are not my own anymore.  They belong to Master just as much as my physical body does.  So even if I don’t think it’s important, it is.  So, to answer myself, the point is that I am owned body, mind, and soul.  Yes, I have to point out and ask for anything that crosses my mind, how else will he know where I am mentally, holding back emotion and wants is holding our relationship back.  Yes, he does have enough worries and anxieties, but if he always knows what is going on with me, it will probably relieve some of them rather than create them.

Master and I are no dummies, we know that transparency on this level will take some time to achieve.  A lot of times I get scared because I’m afraid that I have pushed myself so hard to stay in my safe little shell, that I may never break free from it.  I’m afraid that my stubbornness will push Master over the edge, and cause him to give up on me and M/s.

The fact of the matter is, I have to try harder, and keep using more force until I break free.  If it leaves me weak and vulnerable, and in the fetal position, I know I have a Master who will help put me back together again.  He will help me up off the floor, and set me on a new road I have never seen before.  Master is not quiet about the fact that he wants me to love and be loved, he wants me to be happy and carefree.  He relishes in seeing me smile and in knowing he could put it there.  I am the one who holds us back, by keeping myself locked in an emotionless box.

The sad part is, there is someone who sees more of me than he does, and that hurts him even more. No offense punkin, but it hurts me too.   She has a better grasp on what I desire and want from him than he does.    She knows my feelings on a much deeper level than he does.   I do not fear her judgment, but I do fear his.  I can’t even imagine how much further we would be if I had told him.  I don’t think having a best friend to confide in is a bad thing, and I wouldn’t trade Rayne for the world, but he owns those desires and feelings, and has much more right to them than she does.

My question is, where is the light at the end of the tunnel?  How do you break free from something you are, for lack of a better word, a slave to?  How do you stop holding back, and start moving forward?

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