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SJP-#209

August 19, 2009

“You can change no one but yourself.” – Anonymous

Change is something I have been faced with for the last 6 months straight.  It is the hardest thing for a person to do.  We are creatures of habit.  I have serious issues with change, but it’s not something that I can’t do.  I know this because I have made some major changes in my life that most people are never faced with.

On Friday, I will have been clean from heroin for 3 years.  So, this particular quote hits close to home right now.

I am a firm believer in the saying: ” Change is the only constant.”

It’s funny, because there are some quirks about some people, that involve change that seem to come with such ease.  Mine is changing my hair.  I have had every cut and color you can think up.  I have even shaved my head, Sinead O Connor style.  Master does not like this, and so I haven’t changed my hair in quite a long time.  It hasn’t really bothered me much as far as cutting it goes, but I’m seriously feining a change in color.  Apparently, I am getting too old to be doing crazy shit to my hair (I’m so in love with pink hair).

I know I’ve said this before, but quitting heroin is nothing compared to becoming a slave.  Don’t laugh.  It’s kinda hard.  I have a dream, and I plan on meeting my goals no matter what, but some things are easier than others.  There were a lot of things that I changed about myself when I kicked the habit.  I was a pushover. The time after I finally dropped the habit along with my ex husband, I spent becoming more assertive and in control of myself.  Letting go of the new found freedom of sticking up for myself has proved damned near impossible.  It’s not because I don’t want to let go, but because I’m afraid to.

Fear plays a huge part in change.  Sometimes change takes place because of fear; and sometimes change is resisted because of fear.  Fear is hard to interpret for me.   I don’t see or understand the difference in good fear or bad fear.  Fear is fear, and always kicks in the fight reflex for me, there is no flight, only fight.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a completely logical person, I can tell you and everyone when I’m being stupid, but it’s the fear that keeps me from what I know I need to do.

The problem with that is that it puts a wedge between Master and I.  I keep Him at arms length, because I’m afraid if He gets too close things will not bode well for Cinnamon.  My biggest fear is letting a man too close again.  I’ve been down that road folks, and I was set up on a long road of having to kick heroin and getting my children back.  It wasn’t pretty at all, and I never want to go through it again.  You understand my view point, yes?

Another reason I feel this topic affects me right now is that my 10 year high school reunion is coming up.  I was not a popular person in school.  I could’ve been, but seriously, I was a cheerleader for the sport, not a popularity contest.  I hated high school, and most everyone I attended school with.  I was a competition cheerleader, not a school cheerleader.  I was extreme goth, not preppy.  I just didn’t fit their cookie cutter stereotypes, and that pissed some people off.  I was true to myself, image was not that important to me to those I went to school with.

Change is inevitable people.  I’d like to share some of my favorite change quotes with you guys.

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”-Flora Whittmore

Be the change you want to see in the world.” Ghandi

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”-Reinhold Niebhur

We change, whether we like it or not”-Ralph Waldo Emerson

It really changed my life. When we split up, something changed, permanently, in me. My heart sort of broke that day, and it will never be the same.”-Gwyneth Paltrow

Things do not change; we change.”-Henry David Thoreau

Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.”- unknown

Change will be happening all around us.  Are you ready for it?

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