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I Fooled Myself……..WTF?

August 11, 2009

In my earlier post, Coming To A Realization, it was brought to my attention that there was a statement that may need some elaboration.  Going back and reading it, I saw why.

“I am not what I believe I am.”

Looking at the statement as it stood there looking back, it seemed so bold.  In those 8 words, I had turned myself into a paradox.   There are a lot of people who can fool you, especially salesman, but it takes a special kind of talent to go around fooling yourself.

Becoming emotionally invulnerable is no easy feat.  It takes years of bullying and abuse.  It takes lots of heart break and lies.  I won’t start out here with a sob story about my abusive parents or tell you how mistreated I was.  On the contrary, I was a self absorbed whiny brat who got everything her little heart desired.  If my parents wouldn’t or couldn’t get it for me, my Grandmother would.  Don’t get me wrong my step-dad was and still is an underhanded shady asshole, and he his hand in all this. Nothing was good enough for him, not my All American Cheerleader status, not my interest in mechanics, and I was always a dumbass, but I wanted his approval because I wasn’t his like my brothers were, so we’ll just say he planted the seed.  But I’m not claiming victim status from him, he’s just a dick, everyone knows one.  My mom was an emotional basket case until about as recently as myself, and I think her reason is him, so I’ll let her take victim there.

My tale doesn’t start until I was married.  I went against everything and everyone to make this guy, we’ll call him Nelson, happy.  I turned on everyone who loved me, because they could see through his very thin exterior charm, but not me; I thought he was king.  He had me snowed big time.  We eventually had a baby, and his family pressured us to get married.  His temper had always been way out of control, but then again so was mine.  He usually was able to keep a job, if you count pizza delivery as a job.  Not knocking it, but it’s hard to raise a family on a tank of gas and a few packs of cigarettes a day.  We obviously lived with his mom, because my family would have nothing to do with him.  Even when he made enormous mistakes, like for instance passing out doped out on pills and leaving them scattered about for our 14 month old daughter get into them, he could still manage to pull the wool over my eyes and win me back.

Nelson is without a doubt the world’s best salesman.  He was pretty nasty to me in the beginning, but I was young and stupid, and thought I loved him.  We managed to have 2 more kids together, but by then he had said some pretty harsh things that got the ball rolling towards me not wanting to love or be loved.  One of his favorite lines was that he didn’t really love me and I didn’t deserve him, only the kids were keeping him there.  I only had to hear that a few times before I stopped being the first to say I love you to him. Ever Again.  We eventually lost our kids and spiraled out of control on drugs.  It was pretty ugly the whole way through, but by this time I hated him with every fiber of my being.  By the time I walked out, it had been at least 6 months since we had kissed, and longer since we had had sex.  I promised myself at that point I would never depend on a man to give me everything I needed again.

Not long after we split I met Master on Myspace.  We talked on and off for over a year, nothing serious, just a hi here and there.  Eventually, Master felt as if though he just had to meet me, and I had a free weekend, so we set it up.  On March 29 we finally met in person, and from then on we were joined at the hip.  It didn’t even take but about 3 weeks before we moved in together.  Less than a year after that we were married.  Throughout the whole relationship, I have maintained that I love him, but that I wasn’t emotionally vulnerable to him in the same way he was to me.  But, I now know that I was wrong.

Way wrong.

So, when I made the statement that I am not who I believe I am, I meant that my emotional vulnerability has returned to me.  I was always financially dependent on him, but now I have to depend on him emotionally as well, and that is fucking scary.  I don’t like someone holding my metaphorical heart in their hand.  I don’t want him to have a chance to hurt me.  I had built such a thick wall around my heart I just didn’t think anyone, least of all a man, would be able to break it down.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he broke through.  It will do wonders for my submission and our marriage.  I’m excited to see where it takes me.  I’m scared too.  Really scared.  I’ve spent damn near the last ten years building these walls, and having them fall was never on my agenda.  I put them there to protect myself, and without them I feel naked and, well, vulnerable.  I feel like clinging to him every second and begging him to never leave me, even though I know it hasn’t ever crossed his mind.  I feel like crying, and Cin don’t cry people.  I never cry, and Master has seen it maybe twice.  I have always had a heart of stone, because that’s how I’m comfortable.  This is very uncomfortable indeed, but perhaps being uncomfortable is the best thing for me right now.

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