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Coming to a Realization

August 10, 2009

I was wrong when I posted Assholes and Other Issues.  I have never been faced with the idea that Master would leave, and totally misjudged myself.  I can’t even fathom Him leaving me.  This weekend I came to the realization of just how much I need him here with me.

Let me explain.

My parents left Friday evening on a last minute camping trip.  We were supposed to go out of town as well, but ended up staying home.  We had a good time having the house to ourselves.  We relaxed and enjoyed each other immensely.  Friday evening we put the children to bed, and had a few beers.  We spent some time apart (He was watching Big Brother and I caught up with rayne online).  It’s been ages since rayne and I have just sat and talked, and believe me we used to talk non stop all day everyday, so that was pretty awesome for me.

At about 2:30 am, Master climbed into bed, and fell asleep.  Some time later, I got in along side Him, and nudged Him awake.  We had amazing sex, and He made me squirt several times.  We woke up and things were going fantastic all day.  That evening we had it out a little, but it wasn’t the topic we were fighting about that was bothering me.  I had much deeper issues than just the fact that I wanted beer, but that’s how it manifested.

I was freaking out.

My parents were freaking me out.

I was getting scared that they were going to destroy Him.   It’s what they do, and their good at it.  Insanely good.

I can’t stand the thought of them bringing M down.  We talked long and hard Saturday night, and came to the conclusion that the best thing for us,, was for Him to move out.  For us both to go to work, and get back into our own place as quickly as possible.  We went to bed in agreement, that by next week He would be gone.

I woke up this morning, and it dawned on me what a gamble we were taking with our relationship.  At some point, one or both of us could decide we didn’t want this as much as we thought we did.  I scrambled to come up with any reason I could to get Him to stay.  I told Him point blank at one point that I was scared He would decide He didn’t want me anymore.  That He would realize He didn’t really love me.  I told Him it was too big a risk, and I didn’t want to gamble with our marriage like that.  He didn’t notice, but I was damn near tears praying He wouldn’t say that He didn’t agree, and things would go according to plan.  But, He didn’t.

It didn’t dawn on me that at some point I had changed until later this evening.  I don’t know when this change took place, because this is the first time it’s come up were He agreed, and planned to act on it.  It wasn’t the fight that made Him want to go, or even me at all, but when I realized it was going to happen, I thought I was going to die inside.

I think it’s time for me to stop fooling myself, and take a minute to do some real soul searching.  I am not what I believe I am.  I’m just good at putting on a front.  I feel like an idiot.  I even feel like I owe everyone an apology, including myself.  I knew at some point something was going to give, and I knew it would be me, but I now realize that I am on the brink.  Teetering on the edge of what I thought I was, and if I’m going to save myself, I may have to tear myself apart and put things back the way they should have been in the first place.

This will be very good for us.  Very good indeed.

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