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Assholes and Other Issues

August 3, 2009

Disclaimer: I am not trying to make sense in this post.  I am just clearing my head of junk.  Some things that are mentioned may be pussy footed around so as not to blow up directly in my own face.  I am really going to throw myself out there with some of the subject matter, so please attempt to be nice in your comments.

Some one said to me recently that I was a terrible mother.  The comment had nothing to do with the way I live my life, but was made because of my past and my personality.  Now I don’t know about you guys, but my past is just that, my past.  Of course I am ashamed of the fact that I let my children go because I was a heroin addict, but I at least I didn’t drag them with me.  I am ashamed that I let my ex husband sell our car and our computer for drugs, those were the only things we had.  I was away from my children a grand total of 11 months, but I knew then as I know now, where I was going was no place for them, and why did I have to go there, well that I can’t answer, but I’m proud of the fact that even though the decisions I made for me were bad, I was still sane enough to make the correct ones for them.  I am proud of the fact that as of August 21 I will be clean for 3 years.

I don’t believe for one minute that my children think I am a bad mother, and neither do I.  Hearing the statement made me stop and think though.  How many people are there who think this about me? Anyone who knows me and my children well would tell you we fit together like peas in a pod, but what about the random passerby on the street.  That person may see me grab my daughter by the shoulders, and tell her very sternly to calm down lest she be locked in the closet for the day.  There are two ways that scenario can go: 1) This passerby could continue walking and think to themselves “What a terrible woman, she doesn’t deserve to have kids!” 2) That person could stop to observe the rest of the scenario, and watch as my daughter laughs her butt off and hugs me as we continue on our way, because I was afterall joking, and chances are she isn’t going to stop whatever it was she was doing in the first place.  I always have to stop and observe people myself, because you never know what a person’s personality is really like from a small amount of conversation you may hear just passing by in a grocery store.  My kids rarely if ever take my threats seriously even when I am seriously getting on to them (I never seriously threaten to lock them in a closet btw).

I guess my point on this one is unless you know someone extremely well you can’t pass judgment on their parenting abilities.  I love my kids very very much, and would never intentionally hurt them in any way.  My children would never choose to be with anyone but me, even though they think I’m crazy as hell.  They are used to my meaningless threats and more often than not laugh at me.  Their personalities are very similar to mine, and we fit together very well.

New subject.

I have this problem with trusting people, because I have been hurt.  I have allowed myself to be hurt by those that should never hurt me.  Over the past 3 years I have made a lot of changes, but some haven’t been good changes.  One of those changes is that I no longer let people affect me emotionally.  I don’t feel emotionally attached to anyone but my children.  This is not a joke, and it causes me a lot of pain.  There is no doubt in my mind that Master could walk out tomorrow, and while it would hurt, I would never cry or try to chase him down.  You would never know that I was in any pain, and I could move on fairly easily.  This is wrong on so many levels.  He is my husband and I do love him dearly, but I don’t trust him, and he wouldn’t really be able to hurt me. I expect him to hurt me or betray me.  It has never crossed my mind that he wouldn’t.  How will we ever be able to have a M/s relationship if I don’t need him?

New subject.

Okay I haven’t talked about this here, but some of you may have read my posts on FetLife about it (long ago).  I hate it when Master watches porn.  There I said it, go ahead and throw your rotten vegetables now!  I like porn, and I know I’m retarded for getting upset that he wants to watch it. I shouldn’t say upset, it’s just not strong enough, more like irate and don’t you even look at me much less touch me.  This is one of the issues I wanted to start working on, but there was a minor setback on that one.  I have no clue why this came about, I’ve never had any issues with other people watching porn, and we even watched porn when we first got together.  Maybe I’m jealous because I don’t look that great, but I do admit it is jealousy. I hate for him to even comment about other girls in any way, except if he thinks they are ugly.  Maybe it’s because I think he could do better.  It’s getting worse too, now I even get uncomfortable watching love scenes in a rated R movie, even watching a show where people are wearing bikinis makes me want to punch him in the nose.  The point is I don’t know why I am this way with him, and I wish I could change it.

Okay I have totally poured my heart out to all you people, and I feel so much better.  If you guys have any help or pointers, please feel free to give them, just please be respectful as these are serious issues, and I don’t need any flaming from assholes.  I am serious about working on my problems, so unless you can be supportive or helpful keep your damn keyboard quiet.

Oh yeah, one more thing I keep ripping my left nipple piercing, it kinda hurts bad, and I kinda like it.  I’m such a freak! Lol.

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