Pushing People’s Limits
This is something I am a pro at and didn’t really realize it until I read a post on FL, and realized why I obviously have been doing this since I was a child. Of course I’m speaking in strictly vanilla and non sexual terms here.
The post was about slaves/subs who either intentionally or unintentionally push their Master’s over the edge, so that they eventually either lash out or have a “real” take down to really simplify it. I not really doing the post justice here, but you get the gist.
Okay, how this pertains to me. Let’s start at the beginning, because that’s where most things start, lmao. Growing up, the most common phrase my mother would say to me as a teen, was ” Ya know, you just love to push buttons with people, and see just how far you can get them to go.” Apparently, even as a child I would purposely do things just to see how much trouble I would get into. Over and over. But once the punishment had taken place I would be okay for a while, until I would start to test my boundaries again. Some may say, that is normal childhood behavior to test boundaries. Not the way I did it. I have always been an extremist in getting in myself into trouble.
Fast forward to my adult years and my first marriage. Most people see my husband as abusive and an asshat. I never really did, although for lack of a better way to describe it until now, I have referred to him as such. The relationship was shitty one abusive or not, so the point is moot anyway. I without a doubt did this very thing to him repeatedly, and even got to where I could recognize myself, about the time he was knocking me to the ground, what I was doing, although I had no clue as to why. So of course I labeled it as his bad not mine, but I never called him on it or questioned it, it’s just the way we were. Again, I was okay up until I needed that center again.
Now that Master and I have taken on the M/s dynamic, and I have found like minded people, I have recently come to understand this need, and why I do it. This sort of thing helps me to center myself. It is something, that while seemingly abusive, is actually sort of like therapy for me. Looking back, both my step-dad and my ex had real short fuses and it didn’t take much to push them to that point, and I’ve also realized that even though the intent on their part in the situation was not the same, so it didn’t exactly have the same effect as if, say, Master were to use it to “break me down” and invoke this primal state to manipulate or guide me into the direction he wants me to go. As far as keeping me in line as a human it worked. It kept my emotions in check, and it kept me functioning normally.
Since reading the post, I can now pinpoint it. When this type of interaction ceased between my ex and I, I would get a mean and testy type of attitude. I was pushing him, but he was showing self control, because I had asked him to stop. He did eventually do it again, and I left. So now I’m stuck. I get a real shitty attitude from time to time that I have no control over, it just comes out, and now that I have a connection in my head of what I’m doing and why, I’m not sure what to do. I’m not even really sure how I feel about it yet.