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Disappointment

March 22, 2009

I am very disappointed in myself today, and I know Master will be too. I haven’t followed my schedule at all, and I slept in late. I am however hoping that we will finalize our goals, daily tasks, and contract today. I will be punished for my transgressions, and I will accept them gratefully. My punishments are not meant to be fun for me, and I must learn from them the best I can. If it wasn’t important to my behavior modification, he simply wouldn’t do it. I welcome any changes Master wishes to make in regards to me, because I know he only wants to change me for the better. I trust him not to abuse that power.
A few days ago, I was beside myself with overwhelming emotions (PMS, is my excuse 😉 ), but I put some serious thought into what my friends and Master said to me. I want this, and I know it. There is no more backing out or denying it anymore. Once I honestly came to terms with myself, and this lifestyle, things seemed to smooth out for me emotionally. I’m sure that the emotional outbursts are not over by far, but I don’t believe fear is the driving emotion anymore. I don’t believe that I will run from Master anymore, but to him instead. I can’t say whether there has been a noticeable change in my attitude or behavior since having this epiphany, but I feel different. I don’t feel pissy or argumentative anymore, I feel like if there’s a problem in my life Master will deal with it accordingly. I don’t feel stressed to the max like I always have, and if I feel myself getting uptight or needing a break from my thoughts, I just ask Master to hold me in his arms and that goes away almost immediately. I can feel myself physically relax, and my mind becomes clear. Yesterday, when he was doing just that, I was in awe at the tremendous force at work there. Just that in and of itself is an amazing power to have over somebody regardless of relationship dynamics. There is something about him that moves me deep inside since I first met him. I don’t know what it is, but at this point in our journey I’m glad it’s there, and I’m glad it always has been, it makes this transition we are going through so much easier for me. Master is my positive in a negative world.My point is that things have been bumpy until now, and I’ve learned my position, He is Master, and I am his slave, the rest is easy. Don’t try to control things that are beyond you. I am chaos personified without a doubt. Master is calculated and precise. He is a decision maker and I am the one to carry out those decisions he makes for me.

I am finally free thanks to him, and I hope he knows it! I love you Master, you are my fortress of protection and strength.

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