What can I say except that my emotions get the better of me most of the time. It’s probably something to do with hormones I imagine. Sometimes I think it’s just because people don’t read my mind, and that really irritates me. I’m immature about it too, holding a grudge until I get someone to act the way/or give me what I want. A very quiet temper tantrum if you will. How horrible of a person am I? I have no freakin clue!!! I hate it! But it works, even if only out of desperation of others. That is one thing I haven’t been able to change in the last 2 1/2 years. Now I’m desperate. How does one change a 27 year old habit. Quitting heroin cold turkey is way easier than fighting with me. That isn’t a joke either. When I get pissed I will dig my heels in and not budge ALL DAY! I tried to tell myself this is stupid, but I just won’t listen. Like I have something to prove about staying power. Like if I give in and change my attitude I will look weak. An attitude like this will never work in a M/s relationship, but I don’t know how to interrupt the cycle. I don’t even know what causes it in the first place!
On top of that, for the past week I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. So many things are changing in me, and in Master. My thoughts aren’t focused, I can’t concentrate. Wait that sounds messed up. Let me try again. I feel like it has become very hard to express myself, and it seems to me that I don’t know how to act anymore so everything seems very extreme now. I don’t even know if THAT makes sense! Like my thoughts and emotions are heightened or sensitive somehow. It begins to look very tempting to just give up. That’s not what I want, and it’s not what Master wants either, or any of the great people I’ve met who support me in my choice of lifestyle. I don’t wanna change! I don’t believe that, if I didn’t want to change all this messed upidness I wouldn’t be writing this right now, now would I?
I just don’t know where to start to sort it all out. Funny, it’s spring, spring cleaning, I feel like that’s what I’m doing with my mind. It sucks going through things one by one, I don’t want to do it, it’s tedious and daunting, but it has to be done to get rid of the old and bring in the new, right?
I would never lie and say that my horrendous behavior will stop, but I want to work to make it stop. I know that Master will not allow me to always be this way, even on occasion, but I know that He will do his best to help figure it out and work through it so I will become a better slave, and we don’t have so many setbacks. I know my friends will help me through it too! And this too shall pass. MUAH!